Love thank you that it happened with all sincerity

She stared at her phone – he was last seen just five minutes ago but why.. why hasn’t he messaged at all? They’ve been messaging back and forth every single day for the past month; the length and depth of each message increasing with each new message and then.. and then today, the messages just stopped.

Surely he didn’t lose his phone – he was last seen just five minutes ago.

“Oh my god, have I stooped to such an obsessive stalking level?” she sighed. Perhaps. She knew she was falling and was sinking even deeper..

The truth that she hated to admit is that she had fallen deeper for him over their conversations. Over the dreams she had of him. Over the good morning and good night messages. They made her smile. His smile.. made her heart flutter. Every single time. She wish she could simply tell him all that.. but..

Why isn’t he messaging me? Did I say or do something wrong? Has he lost interest in me? Maybe he never was interested to begin with. What if I messaged him first? No, that’ll make me seem desperate. I don’t want to annoy him. Maybe he’s busy. Yea, he’s definitely busy. Or maybe..

She sighed again. It was almost midnight. She had been thinking about him the whole day. Waiting for his message. It never came.

“I miss you” – she began typing a new message to him.

‘I can’t send this. No way. He’d think I’m clingy. But I do miss him. Too much. And I hate feeling this way – the not knowing,’ she thought to herself.

The thing about love is.. there are different ‘stages’ before we fall. She.. was at stage three.

She closed her eyes, took in a deep breath and against her own sanity.. she hit the send button.

In a matter of seconds, she saw that he was “online”.

Surely he’s reading the message now.. but then, just as abruptly, he was back to “last seen”. No reply.

She clutched her phone close to her heart, waiting, hoping for his reply as she drifted off to sleep in tears.

There are five stages before we fall.. she is now in stage four.

She never really knew what it was or why she felt that way - but she remembered exactly how she felt the very first time he came to exist in her life.. it was almost magical.

I know it sounds ridiculous, right? I mean, these ‘love at first sight’ fantasies only exist in fairytales or Hollywood flicks. Not.In.Real.Life.

In real life, we mock at the cliché, brush it off as being idealistic - but when the moment happens, the moment where “boy meets girl and it was love at first sight”, something special actually takes place.

And it doesn’t matter what other people think or say because in that moment, two people actually believe that they could be writing the beginning of their own original love story..

They met while shopping for tomatoes in the supermarket. He was in a white shirt and blue jeans, while she was dressed in shorts and a pink top. He was sent by his mother to pick out some tomatoes for dinner and she was getting ingredients for the quiche she wanted to bake for dinner.

“Are these for today?” she asked, bagging more tomatoes in the plastic bag she was holding.

“Sorry?” he replied, confused that this random stranger was talking to him.

“Are you going to be using them today?” she asks again, gesturing at his half-filled bag of greenish-red tomatoes.

“Well, yeah, I think my mum is using them for dinner, but..” he trails off scratching his head, “I don’t usually go grocery shopping,” he admits bashfully.

She laughed. A melodious twinkly laugh.

“If you are going to use them today, you better go for the riper and redder ones,” she explains, handing him an example.

“Thanks,” he responds gratefully, reaching for the tomato in her hand.

Their hands touch. Their eyes meet. Time comes to a standstill. In that instant, under the harsh forbidding light of the supermarket, they shared a moment..

Inside, the both of them were nervous. Excited. Shy. Insecure. Unsure. In a matter of seconds, they both experienced many different kinds of emotion towards the unknown; because this particular unknown revolved around an uncertain outcome with someone each was beginning to find themselves so drawn to.

This is the funny thing about attraction. Sometimes, it just happens. Without warning, reason or explanation, we go through a whole spectrum of emotions and uncertainty over someone we just met. Someone, who, a minute ago was a complete stranger that never existed in our life, but now that they do, for some unexplainable reason, we find ourselves instantly and intensely attracted to this person.

And it’s not merely a physical adoration, it’s something a lot more than that.. willingly or unknowingly, we become emotionally and psychologically invested in that person.

Stage 1 : Attraction.

But stage 1 is not love. Stage 1 is the moment which leads to us asking ourselves a silly little hopeful question.. can this spark of attraction eventually lead to love?

It is the next stage that brings us one step closer to finding out that answer.

Stage 2: Interaction.

They smile. They exchange numbers. They talk. They message. They joke. They tease. They laugh. A lot. They realize their similarities and learn about their differences. He finds out that she has a food blog and is a brilliant cook, while she got to know that this boy’s best dish is instant noodles. She soon discovered that he is the star player of his school’s basketball team while he wouldn’t let go of her embarrassing confession that she fakes menstrual cramps to get out of Physical Education lessons.

Slowly but surely, this stranger at the tomato shelf grew into more and more of her life. Everything that she subsequently experienced, sparked a thought of him- a sunny day was his favorite weather, his phone was an iPhone, he hates the pigeons on the street..

She let him into her life, at first cautiously, still trying to guard her heart, afraid of what he might take with him if he left.. but everything that he did and said lowered her walls a little more..

Before she knew it, she entered stage 3 : Affections.

They are walking on the beach. She could smell the salty sea water. She could hear the sea gulls in the distance. She could feel the warmth from his body as he walked next to her in companionable silence.

“I think I’m falling for you,” she whispers, not looking at him.

He tilts her face up to meet his. “I think I am too,” he replies, his soulful black eyes softening as he looks at her with affection..

In that precise moment, she trips on something in the sand.

She falls, falling, falling... waiting… waiting for him to catch her before she painfully hits the ground..

Will he catch her?

She jerks awake in her bed. It was all a dream, just a dream.

She checks her phone again. He was last seen at 3:23am. Her last message at midnight showed a double tick, indicating that he had received it and surely read it. But there was still no reply.

She buries her face in her pillows and wills herself to go back to sleep, to escape this painful reality.

When we sleep, we forget. For a while.

The reply never comes. She continues to fall. Disappointed. Crushed. Heartbroken.

People will pat her back, offer words to console, tell her that they understand. Do they really? They don’t know how her heart flutters every time she saw his face break into a smile, or skipped a beat whenever he called her name in the special way that he did. They don’t know the moments, memories, secrets and feelings she shared with him. For him.

Falling in love.. such a universal experience, and yet each story so unique, so special; each emotion so strong, so new.

Sometimes, some things happen unexpectedly – by chance. And yet most times, there are choices we have to make, decisions that all play a part in molding two people’s eventual fate together. Or not.

Perhaps this time, she had stepped too far out onto the ice when it wasn’t ready.

You see, the thing about falling is.. we will come to that point where we know what or how we feel about the other person.. but we don’t know how they think and feel about us. So we thread cautiously on the ice. To be sure it’s safe. To be sure we won’t plunge ourselves through the cracked ice just because we were a bit too quick, a bit too eager to take that next step when.. well, when the ice wasn’t ready.

Days, weeks and months go by and slowly the tears start drying up. The smiles come back again and she goes through life’s routines as she had always done before.. before him. On the outside, the same bubbly and cheerful girl was back again.. but on the inside, she was now different. Scarred. Hardened. Afraid.

We go through heartbreaks in our lives. The lucky ones amongst us find our special someone after few heartbreaks. Others repeat the cycle over and over again. It’s like a game. But playing this game is tiring. It’s confusing. It’s uncertain. Frustrating. It consumes our energy, thoughts and nights. We can’t stop thinking about this one person throughout the day, and especially during the moments just before we go to sleep; then again when we wake up in the morning – worse, we actually start visualizing a future together with this person whom we have absolutely no idea what or how they feel about us.

And with the end of each relationship, we tell ourselves we have had enough and that we are sick of this game of love, that we are never going to lose our heart to another again. But do we remember the promises we made to ourselves when our hearts got broken?

She looks up.. a guy across the train catches her eye and smiles. That all-familiar smile of a new beginning..

Doubts and fears cloud her thoughts. Will this be like before? Is he really serious? Will he put in as much effort as I would? Should I? Can I? Will he? Will he not?

She looks down at her phone screen displaying prominently the three words she had subconsciously typed - “I miss you”. Her finger hovers over the ‘send’ button..

There are five stages before we fall: Attraction. Interaction. Affection. Confession. Decision.


-


(ending note)

Boy and girl meets. Boy likes girl. Girl likes boy. Sweet perfect love story in the making..

No.

It doesn’t always happen like that.

Reality is often more complicated. Humans are complex creatures.

Stories of potential romance are not so simple or straightforward. Most boy meets girl stories don’t and won’t end in happily ever in love.

But we hardly ever talk about those stories because it’s too humiliating. It’s too painful. What could’ve been. What will never be.

‘Five before we fall’.. is meant to be that other “love” story; a story trying to make sense of the stages before we “fall” for someone.

To be honest, I actually had two versions for this narrative in mind.. the alternative version would’ve been one delving into and trying to make better sense of the games that we’re all probably guilty of playing at some point.

We don’t say it. We might not even know it.. but we do. We all do.

This is the game we play..

For some guys, it’s about the chase.
For some girls, it’s playing hard to get.

But the gameplay is complex. Try too hard.. she might see you as desperate and get turned off. Play too hard to get.. he might give up trying and move on.

Still, we play these games because we’re unsure. Of feelings. Of thoughts. Second thoughts. Third. Fourth. The whole night. Every bloody night. Damn it.

It’s a complicated game. It’s tiring. It’s confusing. It’s uncertain. There are even times the mixed signals get perceived wrongly.

A girl might think that a guy is into her.. but he isn’t. Or not yet. A guy might think the girl is not into him.. but she already is. And it scares her.

And it’s exactly why we play the games that we do. Because we’re trying to figure one another out hopefully without getting ourselves hurt. Because the one who admits falling first will hurt the most.

You see, there are no rules to this game, but I’d like to think there are different stages:

Attraction. Interaction. Affection. Confession. Decision.

In this game of falling, the moment has to be perfect. Two people who are attracted to each other and find chemistry through interaction, have to both come to the point of mutual affection at the same time before the moment of confession and decision.. because here’s the brutal truth, whoever confesses first (and when the other person isn’t ready).. loses.

You developing feelings and confessing too soon might scare him/her off. He/she might back off because maybe they feel you’re getting too serious too soon while they’re still at the “figuring out” stage.

So we play the games we play. Threading carefully on thin ice. Waiting for the opportune moment. That moment when both of you just know there’s no need to play any more games because both of you are already pretty sure of what you feel for each other even if it’s not said yet.. then comes confession and if the moment is right and you two make a mutual favorable decision to take a chance and make an effort in love.. you win. You both win.

This unspoken game we play.. there are no rules.

Well, okay maybe just one.. we have the freedom to love anyone we want; what we don’t have.. is the right or control to demand or expect them to feel the same way towards us just because we feel a certain way towards them.

Just because we love, loved or still love someone.. doesn't meant we can expect or demand the one we have feelings for to feel the same way for us.

Feelings take time to grow in or out of. That’s the most painful or potentially beautiful part.

It’s the reason why I titled this experimental narrative “Five before we fall” – the five stages before we either fall in love or fall out of love.

To you reading this, if you haven’t already met your special one.. here’s to our one day, one person, and many beautiful moments together with this other.

Because sometimes we lose, but one day, when the person and moment is right.. we’ll win.

love

The thing about moments and memories is this.. occasionally, when all factors coincide perfectly (people, time, place, circumstances, reasons, emotions, etc).. magic happens.

But the beautiful tragedy of it all is that it can only happen once. Never ever again. Not the exact same way anyway. We can go back to the same place, with the same people, recreate the environment, try to relive the memories.. but it will never be the same again. Because that "perfect magical moment" is gone.. and all that's left are memories.

So when we can, whenever that "perfect" moment happens.. seize it, live it, embrace it, appreciate it. Don't live in the regret of yesterday or worry about the what ifs of tomorrow.. because when that moment passes, it will never be (the same way) again.

But you know, that's actually the reason why it will always be special. Never again. But it happened. So let's not sigh at the moments passed, let's smile that it happened; because while you were in that moment, you truly felt something that only you will always know.. and it is that beautiful memory and feeling that will always, should always, remain real and special.. a tribute to the magic of that moment (or person).

Live. Embrace. Appreciate.

Chasing pavements with love

Should I give up? Or should I just keep chasing pavements, even if it leads nowhere? Totally describes the way I feel right now..